#020 : Corruption? Corporate Crime? This HAS to be illegal!

Sydney Morning Herald, 30/10/06, p.18

Joel and Kelly Crawford pass on this email from a friend in Zimbabwe: "I am in the processes of going over to the UK on some much-deserved leave. I bought my ticket on Air Zimbabwe last week for 401 million dollars, old money.

Today the same ticket is now costing 1.7 billion dollars! On top of that, you must also pay Us$53 cash before they will give you the ticket. As I have just spent five nights in jail because I was holding foreign cash, one wonders how anyone can legally buy an air ticket in Zimbabwe? According to the new law, you are not allowed to hold any foreign cash, so everyone in future that gets on to a non-domestic flight in this country is actually breaking the law. But they cannot get a ticket unless they break the law."

#019 : Intellectual insurance

Sydney Morning Herald, 30/10/06, p.18

Australian high schools are wrestling with the issue of Marxist bias in the curriculum, but American educators have a more serious problem - people who walk into schools and fire rifles. In Oklahoma City, Bill Crozier, a teacher and former security officer running for the elected position of state superintendent of schools, has a solution. Would that be tighter gun control, pethaps, or improved counselling services for troubled students? No, Crozier says the answer lies in thicker textbook~ which students can hold in front of themselves. To promote the idea, he has produced a 10-minute video in which his aides shoot maths, language and telephone books with a variety of weapons, including an AK-47 assault rifle and a nine-millimetre pistol.
"It is a practical thing; it ’s something you can do," he told Associated Press. "It might be a way to deflect those bullets until police got there." But Lieutenant Pete Norwood, of the Oklahoma Highway Patrol said: "He probably needs to take a look at some ballistics tests.
There are some rifles not even Webster ’s Dictionaly will stop."

#018 : Sexy??

Sydney Morning Herald, Business, 30/10/06

Careful what tune you hum next time you wander past Wilson Asset Management portfolio manager Justin Braitling.
A hypnotist was hired as the entertainment at last week ’s fund manger awards and Braitling, along with a couple of women from the audience, were hauled on stage as guinea pigs.
...
But there was one final charm on him even when he left the stage: whenever a snippet of a particular pop song was played, he ’d offer a lap dance to the nearest bloke.
Let ’s just say the men in the audience were left scrambling for a few minutes.

#017 : Kids say the darndest things!

Sydney Morning Herald, Letters, 30/10/06

"The Christmas holidays are looming and with them, for some of us, comes the responsibility of minding grandchildren.

From bitter experience I suggest it would be prudent for grandparents to have a briefing session with parents before they undertake this task so embarrassing answers to innocent questions can be circumvented.

During the last school holidays I was asked: What is a homosexual? Who is your favourite grandchild? Where does sperm come from? Why do you have more hair in your ears than on your head? Do Catholics, Muslims and Protestants have the same god? Be alert, be very alert." - Paul Hunt, Engadine

#016 : Did you SEE that raised eyebrow?!

Sydney Morning Herald, Letters, 30/10

A riposte is possible to unremitting right-wing assaults on an ABC cowed by the Coalition ’s determination to homogenise it into journalistic blancmange: do a Gerard Henderson. Monitor key programs, somehow twist them as biased toward the right and inundate Howard’s stacked board with complaints of imbalance. If Late line’s Tony Jones smiles when interviewing Kevin Rudd, label it "derision". If Kerry O’Brien raises an eyebrow grilling Kim Beazley, call it "cynicism". With sufficient imagination, neo-fascist tendencies could doubtless be construed in Richard Glover and Virginia Trioli. A tsunami of nitpicking emails might cancel out Henderson and fellow travellers testing Mark Scott ’s guidelines to their petty limits. - Ron Sinclair, Bathurst

#015 : How to rape a woman without touching her

The Australian, International, 30/10/06

Transvestite MP is barred from the little girls’ room

A SPAT in the ladies' loo between a former drag queen and a retired showgirl is causing a political stir in the Italian parliament.
Transvestite MP Vladimiro Guadango a cross-dressing communist who prefers to be known as Luxuria was bullied out of the women's toilets by right-wing political rival Elisabetta Gardini, a former TV star and member of Silvio Berlusconi ’s Forza Italia party.
"You're a man and you can't use the women's toilet," Ms Gardini cried when she saw Luxuria in the loo during a parliamentary break on Friday.
Luxuria registered as a parliamentarian under his male birth name said he considered himself female and had been using the women's toilet without complaints since his election six months ago.
Ms Gardini insisted that if Luxuria wanted to use the women's toilet, he should "cut off his penis", saying she felt "raped" by the incident.

#014 : Another toilet investigation

The Australian, International, 30/10/06

VIENNA: Still on public conveniences, the owner of a public toilet has agreed to
replace its urinals after complaints they were shaped like a woman ’s mouth,
complete with red lips, teeth and a tongue.
The urinals were installed three
years ago. "What surprises us the most," said Marianne Lackner, of the Vienna
Department of Women ’s Affairs, "is that no man has ever said anything about
this."

Yet again, I provide my readers with an illustration (please note that this is a Vienna "Toilet Bar", as if this story wasn't strange enough):

#013 : When you know you've got a problem

The Australian, International, 30/10/06

LAREDO, Texas: A company has designed an outsize toilet "to accommodate the
modern American lifestyle". The Great John Toilet Company says its new
convenience offers "150 per cent more contact area on the seat; extra-wide base
with four anchor points to prevent tipping; unique side wings ’ to prevent
pinching; and reinforcements allowing it to support a load of up to 9 00kg".

Intrigued, I investigated and found an image:

#012 : A sophisticated approach

Daily Telegraph, Letters, 30/10/06

[re: Sheik al-Hilaly]

Pack him off to join his fellow Islamofascists in Egypt or
wherever. - Norman Rich, Newport

#011 : Err.. wrong finger to lean on Mr Obama..

#010 : Proving your innocence 101

Adelaide Advetiser, 28/10/2008, p.62

Pharmacist goes berserk at hearing

PHARMACIST Edwin Ashby did not like the allegations being made against
him when he faced a misconduct hearing over complaints he abused colleagues and
customers.
So he picked up an iron bar and hit his accuser over the head with it.
Mr Ashby, formerly of Perth, sent Desmond Fitzgerald to hospital with a head wound after going berserk when he was told at the hearing in England he would be struck off after 37 different complaints against him were upheld."

#009 : Those crazy lefties!

Weekend Australian, 28/10/06, p.4

HYSTERICAL solutions to climate change, such as solar power, quickly replacing all coal-fired power stations in Australia, are being touted as part of a bidding war for the green vote.

#008 : Straigh fats, err, facts please

Sydney Morning Herald, Stay in Touch, 27/10/06 p.22

We know the Health Minister, Tony Abbott, is a bean counter, but is he a calorie
counter as well? At yesterday ’s press conference on the Federal Government ’s
"traffic-light initiative" for food labelling he said: "We need to know how many
calories there are in the foodstuffs we eat. We need to know, for instance, that
there ’s 270 calories in a Mars Bar, 208 calories in a Magnum ice-cream, 161
calories in a small Coke and there ’s 1081 calories in a large Big Mac meal." It
isn ’t the first time Abbott has quoted these fast food statistics. In May he
used them in a Herald article and in an address to the Queensland Obesity
Summit. Last month he used them at another obesity conference.
We would like to point out to the minister that calories in food depend on the varieties.
While Abbott presumably refers to a Classic Magnum in his oft-quoted figures if he was to order from the Magnum Seven Deadly Sins range, he would have to choose
between calorie levels of 345 for a "Vanity" and a whopping 425 for a "Gluttony"
Magnum.
We think the health-conscious minister would be predisposed towards the former.

#007 : Hungry penguins

The Australian, International, 27/10/06 p.12

Sheepdogs of the ocean

Sensors revealed that penguins are among the world ’s greediest creatures, stuffing themselves so full that a grown man would have to consume almost 600 quarterpounders in eight hours to match them.

#006 : what is human nature? (ooo philosophical!)

The Australian 27/10/06, Letters

Tim Barton could explain the apparent contradiction between Alan Jones ’s well-documented appalling behaviour before and during the Cronulla riots and his description of Jones as "a man motivated by a very deep idealism and a profound belief in human nature" (whatever that latter phrase might mean). - Barry Breen, Ballarat, Vic

#005 : omg. Am I in a lot of trouble?

The Age online 15/10/2006

UPSET by the war in Iraq, Julia Wilson vented her frustrations with President George Bush on her MySpace.com page.

She posted a picture of the President, scrawled "Kill Bush" across the top and drew a dagger stabbing his outstretched hand. She replaced the page earlier this year after learning in her history class that such threats are a federal offence.

Too late. Federal authorities had found the page and placed her on their checklist. The 14-year-old student at Sacramento's McClatchy High School was taken out of biology class last week and questioned for about 15 minutes by two Secret Service agents.

The incident has upset her parents, who said the agents should have included them when they questioned their daughter.

Yesterday, the teenager said the agents' questioning over her page on the popular teenage internet site brought her to tears. "I wasn't dangerous. I mean, look at what's (stencilled) on my backpack — it's a heart. I'm a very peace-loving person," Julia said. "I'm against the war in Iraq. I'm not going to kill the President."

Her mother, Kirstie Wilson, said two agents showed up at the family home, questioned her and promised to return once her daughter was home from school.

After they left, Mrs Wilson sent a text message to her daughter, telling her to come straight home: "There are two men from the Secret Service that want to talk with you. Apparently you made some death threats against President Bush," she wrote.

"Are you serious!?!? omg. Am I in a lot of trouble?" her daughter wrote back, using shorthand for "Oh, my God".

Julia said the agents yelled at her and told her she could be sent to juvenile detention for making the threat. Ultimately, the agents told her they would delete her investigation file.

Secret Service spokesmen said they could not comment.

#004 : North-Korean style is in!

SMH Weekend Edition 21/10/2006, News Review

#003: Oleaginity in federal parliament

Mike Carlton in the SMH Weekend Edition 21/10/2006, News Review

I am not sure why, but there is a collective silliness infecting the federal cabinet at the moment.

The assertion by the Education Minister, Julie Bishop, that Maoists have seized control of school curriculums is a prime example. Then, Nick Minchin, the oleaginous Finance Minister, solemnly explained to the Senate that the drought was due to a lack of rain. That was topped, for piercing insight, by Tony Abbott’s trailblazing theory that the national obesity epidemic was caused by fat people.

#002 : Bias goes beyond ABC

Canberra Times 18/10/06, Letters

"The hunt for leftish bias must not stop with the ABC. Our defence forces aer rife with it.Parade grounds resound to the shouts, "Left, left, left, right, left." Clearly 80 per cent bias to the left.On alternate days they should lead off with the right foot, odds or evens to be determined by a senate committee." - Basil Johnson, Weston.

#001 : Telstra helps the little people.

Weekend Australian 21/10/06: Letters.

"A good example of the low expectations we now have of our schools is contained in the T3 prospectus. Page 33 has a "ready reckoner" to help the reader calculate the cost of shares at $2 each." - Mike Honeychurch Indooroopilly, Qld

Introduction

G'day and welcome to Don't mock the media.

In my capacity as a media reader, I plough through literally hundreds of newspaper articles four nights a week. Along the way, I've found some amusing quotes and stories. These of course include slapstick funnies, political nuance funnies, and everything in between. They have also ranged in hilarity-value from the sarcastic "eeeerrrrrrr" to the all-out laugh-a-thon that can be induced by our politicians, journalists, and letter-writers.

So here I endevour to share with you a variety of such clips, quotes, and articles. Feel free to share your thoughts and I hope you find funny (at least mildly) that which I find funny. Perhaps eventually I will start expanding beyond Australian newspapers and look overseas, as I've found that many of the best, err, 'samples' have been inspired from overseas sources.

Nevertheless I hope you enjoy what you find. By all means appreciate such media but by-god, don't you dare mock it!

AJM
- Night Reader